Tinderella and the shoe that wouldn't fit.

As a 23, almost 24 year old straight girl hailing from Inner Sydney, I can comfortably say that yes, I’ve dabbled in the dating world. The random in a nightclub, (attempted) the long distance thing, the friend, the housemate, the booty call. You name it, I’ve probably tried it and did it with my head held high. #lived 

^^^ Livin' gal.

^^^ Livin' gal.

However, then came the influx of the ol’ Gen Y dating applications: Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, Thrinder - the list goes on and on. 

My outgoing and experimental side felt conflicted by this new world of online dating. Was I prepared to get involved? 

My veteran Tinder friends would ask, "what's the big deal!?" To which I'd respond, "“I’m old fashioneddddd!” 

But then, things changed.

Amidst my share house living, I began feeling slightly outnumbered on the couple front. I’d hear my roommates having sex, laughing, cuddling and squealing with their respective partners and the feeling of being very, very alone became very, very real. 

So, in my bitter, twisted and somewhat delusional state I did the unthinkable. I downloaded Tinder.  And today, ladies and gentlemen; I would like to share my findings.  

 

AREA OF STUDY

GENDER: Male. (Although, based on what I saw I am very close to switching sides). 

AGE: 23 years to 33 years. 

LOCATION: Sydney. Within my 10km radius. 

1. The Free Spirit 

Tinder Profile
Picture/s must include one or more of the following: 

  • A downward dog; tree pose; legs behind ears etc. Basically, something that makes you want to say “nama-fucking-stae” and take a big loud OM. 
  • A festival photo - think along the lines of Rainbow Serpent or somewhere in the depths of the Brazilian forest. Double points if they’re balancing a fire wand. 
  • Close up face shot: rainbow painted spots on their tanned, slightly freckled face. 
  • Jesus-esq features*. You know what I mean, right? The beard, the long hair etc.

*I once got in this heated discussion with a girl over whether it is PC or not to say if Jesus was hot. Coz, I kinda think Jesus was a real spunk.

Something like this... #doof

Something like this... #doof

Catchphrase/s

  • ‘Ey man, how’s life treating ya?”
  • “Have you ever experienced a passionate night of soul freeing and kundalini entwining love making?” 

In the flesh

Think a light denim baggy jean or a purple harem pant, a linen shirt and wet hair.

My experience

I lost my Tinder virginity to an English man who fit the above description. His name was Michael* and he had just spent the last six months at a no talkies retreat in India.  Prior to the retreat he had been growing mushrooms ;) in Amsterdam. Prior to that, he'd been living with Mongolian monks. Now, he’d landed in Sydney and was living out of a backpack at a friend of a friend's house.

We met during my lunch break, a rather odd time for someone experimenting with Tinder for the first time. I ordered an extra strong coffee. He ordered a weak herbal tea. First issue at hand, if you ask me. 

During our conversation on “How Yoga Can Enrich Our Lives and Why” I noticed a car pull up and wind down the tinted window. 

There, witnessing me lose my (Tinder) virginity was my aunty. #woglife 

She shouted from the car, “VIC? HELLO! What are you doing? Aren’t you at work?  Does your boss know where you are? Where’s your father? And your mother? Have you seen your grandparents? I was just there…

 PAUSE

“...and who do we have here?” 

"Oh, just a friend! Friend meet aunty!" I said, very quickly. Thanks to the car honking behind her, she drove off. Phew! Just avoided what could have been v. awkward scenario, I thought.  

But how wrong and naive I was. 

Twenty minutes later another aunty walked past, this time by foot and virtually repeated the above conversation: 

"VIC! HELLO! What are you doing? Aren’t you at work?  Does your boss know where you are? Where’s your father? And your mother? Have you seen your grandparents? I was just there… oh and who is this?" 

Yah.

Two aunties. 

Two times.

Not once, twice.

#Woglife. 

#Woglife. 

Result: 

Doomed. Too much family. 

*Names have been changed.

2. The Stoner

Tinder Profile
Picture/s must include one or more of the following: 

  • Some form of headwear. 
  • Fish eye camera shot.

Also, important to note that their profile will mention that Tinder Type #2 are 420 friendly. Refer to catchphrase below.

Catchphrase/s

Are you 420 friendly? 

FYI

FYI

In the flesh

  • A baggy, olive/mustard pair of ‘slacks’ (the only suitable word).
  • A grey hoodie with a some sort of crusty substance flaking off the front. 
  • Some form of headwear namely beanie or cap as per their profile picture.

My experience

When: A mid-week, post work date. 

Me: A highly strung individual. 

Him: Stoner/stoned/chilled.

Result

Us = no. Dear God, no. 

Probably his exact thought process... ^^^

Probably his exact thought process... ^^^

3. The “I’m WAY too busy for regular dating”

Tinder Profile

Well, this is a little tricky as the guy I dated has either unmatched, deleted me or has removed Tinder and therefore the entirety of dating from his life. On the flip side, perhaps he has found his Tinderella and is living happily ever after (nawwwww!). 

Maybs (but let's be real, probs not). 

Maybs (but let's be real, probs not). 

 

Catchphrase/s

They're too busy to text. 

In the flesh

  • A brisk, sightly nervous stride.
  • A denim jean.
  • A flashy watch.

My experience

Again, an experience I don’t think I’ll forget quickly. Let's called Tinder Type #3 Craig. Why Craig? I don’t know, maybe because I really dislike the name Craig and I throughly disliked this guy. Anyway, I digress. Craig was a lawyer who could only squeeze me on X day at X time for X minutes because he was part of the X jurisdiction and had the X trial for the X crime but he cant say too much otherwise X will get angry at X and the X press will find out and bla, bla, bla… fuck! Look at the time. Why didn’t you tell me it was so late? Must go, bye.

^^^^^^^Literally how my evening went. 

Me by the end of the date ^^^^ 

Me by the end of the date ^^^^ 

Result:  

I think you know, young grasshopper.

4. The Filthy Sexter

Tinder Profile
Picture/s must include one or more of the following: 

  • An ab shot.
  • Incredibly low cut jeans revealing very, very hairless skin. (Please refer here to find out more on my thoughts on pubic hair).
  • Emojis: eggplant. 
Lovely. Who said chivalry was dead?

Lovely. Who said chivalry was dead?

Catchphrase/s

  • “If I were a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?”
  • “DTF?”
  • “Are you a haunted house? Because I’d cry if I came inside of you.”
  • OR, my all time fave: “I want to work you like a new washing machine. Take you home. Turn you on… and put a load in you.”

That’s all today, folks.

Yep.

Yep.

In the flesh

Just follow your nose and smell the arrogance. You’ll know. If that fails, smell the cologne.

My experience

Initially, I aimed and (somewhat) succeeded avoiding Tinder Type #4. Thinking I had outsmarted all the creeps in Sydney, I started to tell colleagues at after work drinks the horrifying stories I’d heard (please refer to catchphrases) and the excruciating experiences I’d had (scroll up and/or down). 

A married colleague of mine bellowed across the table, “ohhhh my GOD! Show me Tinder! I want to try! Do I swipe right or left? LET ME LIVE THROUGH YOU!”. She grabbed my phone and started swiping away, "yes! Ewwww. Oh my god, he’s so cute. Nope. YUCK!” - you get the picture. 

Approximately 90 minutes (and 100 shots of vodka) later I’m at a new pub sitting face to face with essentially, my married colleague’s Tinder date. 

“Yah, so I’ve just moved into a new share house in Darlinghurst. It’s really loose. I woke up the other night to an orgy in the room next door, was pretty dope,” the Sexter had started sex talk 15 minutes into the date. 

He continued to talk at me for the following hour, telling me all the sex positions he'd tried, the weirdest place he'd had sex and the strangest people who he'd slept with. It was this type of banter that led me to bail from the pub quick smart. 

1 hour later: 

SexterCreep: Cum over.

12 hours later: 

SexterCreep: I have a headache. 

Me: Same.

SexterCreep: You know what fixes ANY form of tension pain?

Me: What?

SexterCreep: An orgasm.

Me: No reply.

SexterCreep: What are you doing? I’m just lying in bed… naked.

Me: At the beach with friends.

SexterCreep: What beach you at? Yeah, I’m just naked in bed. 

Me: Clovelly. And wait, ARE YOU NAKED IN BED?

SexterCreep: You know there is a direct bus from Clovelly straight to my house.

Result

SO MUCH NO. So very much no. Although, I did run into him at a party about a month after this event where he repeatedly told me how I was SO rude for not replying to his messages. I mean… seriously??? The irony is palpable. 

 

5. The Love Buff

Tinder Profile

Tinder Type #5’s are deceiving. More so than the rest. They come in all shapes, colours and sizes and you only know that they fall into this category after at least two dates. I apologise in advance that I can not tell you what to look out for. Forgive me.

Catchphrase/s

  • Here is my number!
  • Add me on Facebook.
  • Did you add me because nothing has come up? 

In the flesh

As per the above profile, these types are far too ambiguous. My “Love Buff” could only be described as a skater. Wherever he went, he went on four wheels. 

My experience

Eugh, I’m even drained at the thought of telling you this story.  These darling sod’s are the ones who are basically gearing up for the wedding the minute you match. Now, look I’m sure we can all be culprits of this. I know I can. 

But this, was like nothing I’d ever experienced or heard of before. 

Let's call Tinder Type #5, Jack. 

How to describe Jack in 5 words? Hmm… Clingy, helpless, sad, nice, grim. 

I dated Jack for roughly five weeks until I realised that it was just too much. After the first date he stayed the night (fine, no dramas, 21st century livin’). He then stayed over the night after that. And the night after that… Till the point it had been SIX NIGHTS OF SHARING MY BED.

SIX.

NIGHTS.

Dear God, WHY?

Dear God, WHY?

 

Finally, after enough prods, pushes and passing, passive comments, Jacky boy understood that it was time to reacquaint himself with his own bed. Which he kindly did. I put him on a bus, waved him off with a hanky (jokes) and took some deep breaths.

36 hours later and it's 3am. I have to get up for work in four hours. I hear the garage door slam shut and… 

He’s back.

And what almost seemed like habit, he put his skateboard in the corner of my room and hopped into bed - his breath oozing a concoction of rum, beer, ciggies and coca cola.

“Do you reckon we should move in together?” he said, while spooning and slightly suffocating me.

I almost choked on my mouthguard. 

“You’re kidding right?” I mumbled, hoping that I was having some sort of bad dream.

Well, ladies and gentlemen. 

He was not.

And so, it was sayonara Jacky boy.

Result

Too much for this gal to handle. Abort.

My inner thoughts. 

My inner thoughts. 

6. The Foreigner

Tinder Profile
Picture/s must include one or more of the following: 

  • A gorgeous glowing tan. 
  • A fedora. 
  • A shark tooth necklaced.
  • A group shot. 
  • Emoji: their national flag. 

Catchphrase/s

  • Hi! Hello! Hey!
  • Thanks for getting in touch!
  • I’m new to Sydney! I need friend!

Unfortunately, I’m sad to say that I have not had any dates with Tinder Type #6… maybe this will the shoe that does fit? 

Stay tuned! 

Mmmm, maybe a handsome Spaniard like Enrique...?

Mmmm, maybe a handsome Spaniard like Enrique...?